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Recovering From
Codependency
The Primary
purpose of the Christian Harbor Web Site is to provide insight into
the disease of alcoholism and codependency. When a point of drinking
is reached, one will become "sick and tired of being sick and
tired." The family of the alcoholic often reaches a point when they,
too, become willing to do anything to change their lives, even if it
means letting go of the spouse and beginning life anew. This quick
"fix" rarely works because the codependent has developed an illness
from living with a chronic drinker and all the implications that is
inferred from that relationship. The codependent
has excess emotional baggage that has over the
years accumulated that needs to be addressed as seriously as
the chronic drinker's problems.
What Is Codependency?
As we begin a
program of recovery from our dependencies we must also confront
and root out our codependencies that we and our families have
acquired through the dysfunctional life that has been built
upon layers of guilt and secrets that have accumulated within us
over many years of substance abuse. Psyschologists believe that
codependency develops from a hunger for love that can be transmitted
down through generations of families. There are answers to healing
this hunger through the Twelve Steps and the Bible that is able to
heal our emotional and spiritual natures within us.
Codependency has
been defined as our unrelenting efforts to control our feelings
through manipulation of other people, things and events on the
outside of us. Are you able to identify with this behavior in your
own life?
I believe
recovery from this problem that exists in both the alcoholic and
those who have been affected by alcoholism in their childhood and
adult life is of primary importance for effective peace and sanity
from the consequences of active alcoholism in
families.
Confronting an Alcoholic takes tough
love
How do you manage
to help an alcoholic spouse or loved one who is in deep denial of
their drinking problem? An alcoholic will rationalize his or her
problem and cannot make a decision to save their life
Begging won't accomplish anything, and your alcoholic will be
dead before he admits he has a problem. Indeed, thousands die each
year while denying that they are alcoholics. That's why AI-Anon
teaches family members how to confront in love. They learn how to
remove the support systems that prop up the disease and permit it to
thrive. They are shown how and when to impose ultimatums that force
the alcoholic to admit his or her need for help. And sometimes, they
recommend separation. Until the victim is so miserable that his
denial will no longer hold up. In essence, AI-Anon teaches its own
version of the "love must be tough" philosophy to family members who
must implement it.
No one goes to AA just because they've nothing
better to do that evening. Everyone there has been forced to attend
initially. The force that moves us to attend our first AA meeting is
our own misery. It is loving duress that moves one to attend.
The loving confrontation that brings one to their senses is a
delicate process. It must be emphasized that families should not
attempt to implement it on their own initiative. Without the
training and assistance of professional support groups, the
encounter could degenerate into a hateful, vindictive, name-calling
battle that would serve only to solidify the drinker's position.
AI Anon Family Groups and Alcoholics Anonymous are both listed in
local phone books. Also to be found there is a number of the Council
on Alcoholism, which can provide further guidance. For teenagers
with alcoholic parents, there is Al-Ateen. Teens can go there and
share without their parents' permission or knowledge, and it's
free.
The
Family must recover together
When any
addicted person makes a 180 degree turn in their life and begins in
earnest a program of spiritual recovery you will be tested at all
times by the codependencies of loved ones who will resent it
when you begin to assert control of your life
again.
These distractions will be the
codependencies of your own family who are not following a
spiritual recovery program of their own. When you were the "louse of
the house" they subconsciously knew that they could manipulate and
cajole you and feel like a martyr because you were the problem that
they had to be strong for. When you take control of your own life be
prepared because you no longer fit in the family circus that you
were a part of.
This is why it
is so critical that family members participate in their
OWN recovery program because in many ways, they are sicker than you!
You killed your
problems by being sedated all those years with booze while they
became sicker and sicker trying to maintain the facade of a normal,
happy family to others, often lying to cover up the terrible
tragedy that all of you were hiding behind closed
doors.
You
will be tested
That is why
this program is often called a "selfish" program. Until and unless
you decide that spiritual growth and sobriety is the only way to a
happy, serene life you will not be strong enough from the
subconscious efforts of others to see you fall so that they can
again start living the role with which they are so familiar with and
you, once again... "The louse of the house!"
This is not to
be considered lightly because it has caused thousands of alcoholics
to lose their attempts at a normal, sober life. The only tool that
can overcome this problem to sobriety is to be knowledgeable about
it, be prepared for it to happen to you, and have the strength to do
whatever is necessary to survive the holocaust of alcoholism. The
complete family is suffering from a mental condition so complex that
it can only be arrested through honesty, openmindedness and a
willingness to go to whatever lengths necessary.
A firm desire
and a spirtual program are the only tools that have been
found to arrest this illness. Each member of the family
has a committment to aquire complete knowledge of the conditions
that are the source of the sick relationships that have contributed
to this illness.
Please
remember..... Alcoholism is a progressive illness that always ends
in death or insanity. If you continue you lose everything that
is important to you anyway!
Recovery must be the number #1 priority in your
life.
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Ministries, All Rights
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